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Killkeiko
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Name: Bianca
Location: Miami, Florida, United States
Birthday: 7/21/1989
Gender: Female
Interests: Manga, anime, boarding (any type of boarding is fine with me), music, tv, cinematography, poetry, litereture, art, beh. Crap. I'm into crap, ok?
Occupation: Student
Message: message me
AIM:  calicodreamfox
MSN: keiko_himura@msn.com
Yahoo:  keiko_kunimoto
Member Since:
12/12/2004
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| I fucked him. And the nausea that I didn't feel last time, well I feel it now.
Ten fold. For everything I have done, for everything I am capable of and may just wind up doing in the end.
Danny found out about my talking to him. And he hit me. Over and over again. In the car on the way to the warehouse.
I'd like to say I deserve it, but I don't think anyone ever does. Not like this. A stern talking to, a break up, I deserve those, but not the heavy fist of a man twice my weight.
I'm so happy that this journal falls silent on deaf ears. I just need an outlet, and a record, because the dimly lit vaccum that has become my life is a hall without mirrors and clocks.
Alarm bells are going off.
Danny doesn't know that I fucked him two days ago, sometime around two in the morning, in the vastness that is his 300,000 dollar apartment.
Loveless, casual, quasi-impassioned sex. Disgusting. Most revolting of all is that he is evil. He is.
He's a coke dealer, on parole for dealing, and for murder.
And we talked about morality, and he looked into me, soulless black eyes, and said he had none.
Evil lives, and I have lain with it.
The anorexia that no one knows about is coming quickly. weight is falling off, but binging is driving it back.
In the middle of the night I wake up because I am wracked with hunger and guilt and in my sleepless delusions I inch my way towards the refrigerator door and I stare into the white light. I stare for minutes at a time, searching, searching, and my heart sinks when I actually find something to ingest. I am disgusting.
Self-preservation is a cunt, she deludes me into thinking that I am weaker than I am.
I doubt that I'm going to make it now. I am fully consumed.
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| It's been roughly two years since my last entry. Danny and I have been going out for two years since last november. Many things have happened, I've gotten a job, I've quit that job. I've moved away from home, started my first year of college and joined a sorority. Yes. Me...
Listen, I don't know how to say this, I have no defense and I definitely won't try to throw up a haphazard slew of excuses to stave off judgment. I can deal with my own shit. So here goes: Last night I cheated.
I've been talking to this guy on and off for awhile now, and he's not really anything special, but he's somewhat of the quintessential bad boy. He's rough around the edges but generally sweet. Generally. We've been talking for a few months now, on and off. The other night Danny found out about him and blew up. Not just because I had been talking to him, but because I had actually gone out with him. I didn't cheat that time, I just spent some time with the guy, didn't even touch him.
After that day, after Danny's heartfelt laments about betrayal, love and loyalty I found this other guy somewhat irrisistable. Suffice to say, after promise after promise not to talk to him again, (and inevitably shattering those promises) I set a date (and kept it) to see him.
Last night.
We both knew what we wanted. I recall a conversation laced with anxiety and anticipation. There was a window of roughly one hour spent together. I think I still have his smell on me. Surprisingly enough, I don't feel nauseous. Last night, with the first kiss, I let go of many of my inhibitions and let him touch and caress me in ways I dare not reveal. It didn't go as far as I would have liked because I ended it. Not because of guilt, but because of time.
Danny called me all the way through it, but I never answered. While he was dilligently trying to get a hold of me I was making out.
There's a lot more that I feel I have to say, and I may actually finish this, but I'm tired and I think I ought to grab a nap.©
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| What am I supposed to say?
The times they are a-changin', and to tell the absolute truth, I cannot determine whether or not my plans for the future actually INCLUDE me. Beh. I hate so much. I HATE. I just, ugh. Been working out, been eating right, deppresion settles in like a blanket of snow. SMOTHERING me, there is no room for growth. That's the problem with late bloomers, we grow but by the time winter comes along we're too close to the earth. We are overcome by that thick white fluffy BULLSHIT. Ice. | | |
| Sooooooo....
Things have been weird, I have broken myself from the past significantly.
I don't remember a lot. And that makes room for new memmories. | | |
| Bright lights in the big city
I crav e the attention, glamour and style that can only be brought on by a night on the town.
I want men to lust
women to loathe
I want things handed to me on a mother fucking silver platter, and bitch, it better shine like these eyes!
I want everyone to be jealous, I want everything. | | |
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